Commandments 51-60
Holiday Inn Express,
Westport Plaza,
Kansas City MO
September 11 2005
Dear The Internet
RE: The English Language
Thankyou for your recent letter. I would indeed enjoy sharing with you some of my observations on the theme of transatlantic English, which are delivered in the house style, and, just to warn you, contain offensive words like 'cunt':
"You say 'tomato', and I say 'tomato'/
I say 'potato', and you say 'potato'..."
Doesn't sound so good when it's written down, does it? It's just confusing. But, besides the fact that no one on earth says 'potARto', whoever wrote that song had a point. I do say 'tomARto' and they say 'tomAYto', and when I am in a restaurant discussing tomatoes with the waiter, I soon find myself in linguistoetiquetical difficulty. I feel I ought to back down and say 'tomAYto' because otherwise the difference in pronunciation can become confrontational:
Waiter: Who ordered the tomAYtoes?
Ben: I ordered the tomARtoes
Waiter (leaning forward): I'm sorry sir?
Ben (gesturing): Them. I ordered them.
Waiter: Oh, the toMAYtoes. And how do the tomAYtoes look to you today at this time?
Ben: The tomARtoes look fine
Waiter (leaning further): I'm sorry sir?
Ben: These... they look fine. Thankyou.
Waiter: Thank YOU.
Ben: That's fine.
Waiter: I'm sorry sir?
Ben: mmp
Waiter: Are you guys in a band, or are you here for the Hair Show?
My speaking voice is fairly quiet, and this combined with my outlandish accent seems to prevent me ever being understood the first time I say something. To alleviate this problem I have taken to bellowing and making the following amendments to the language I use:
When ordering in shops [stores] or restaurants, "could I have... " becomes "can I get...", eg. "can I get a triple-shoved fudge biscuit?". You can also try "I will take...", eg. "I will take a triple-shoved fudge biscuit to go."
They don't have 'cutlery' here, it's 'silverware', even if it's merely a spork. Or a knoon.
'Toilet' becomes 'Restroom' (or 'Bathroom', if you're feeling even more euphemistic). It is fruitless to ask for 'the bog' or 'the shitter', and for god's sake stop saying 'loo' because this is one of the things Americans find hilarious about the British, along with Shepherd's Pie. On the other hand, they may try to confuse you with talk of the 'potty' or the 'john' or the 'funhole'*.
*I made that up.
You can say 'thankyou', and probably should as often as possible, although I notice that in some parts of the States if you thank someone for doing something for you, their response is a little tight-lipped "mm-hm". In England you would generally interpret this as "I'm furious about demeaning myself in your service, and if you speak to me again I will be unable to prevent myself striking you", but over here it's an acceptable, non-rude acknowledgement. They don't have 'ta' here, and saying 'cheers' seems to encourage them to say "cheers mate!" in a strange quasi-Australian accent and is best avoided.
There are some American things that British people shouldn't say. Top of that list is probably 'dude' [and its chuckle-based relative which goes "du-hu-hu-h-ude"], also 'awesome', 'yo' and 'word'. [It is more seemly for the British to say 'my good man', 'remarkable', 'hello there' and 'quite'].
You can't really say things are 'wicked', but then, you shouldn't really say it anyway unless you are ten.
We all know about 'fanny'.
SALUTATIONS
You can get away with saying 'hey' as a greeting. The correct response to "what's happenin'?" or "what's goin' on?" is "you know, chillin'". Do not sound the 'g' - you are now in the vernacular.
If someone asks you how you are doing today, as they inevitably will, you can apparently just fire it straight back at them, and in this way, neither of you know how the other is doing today. You can also respond with "I'm good" or "I'm doing good". It is understood that this is not meant literally. You're not Mother Theresa.
If someone asks you what's up, you don't have to say "Nothing. I'm just TIRED" as you would at home, this is merely another form of greeting which has been stripped of all linguistic function. If you wish you can respond with similar nonsense, such as:
Interlocutor: Hey what's up?
You: Good, thanks
Avoid saying 'cheerio' when leaving unless you want to perpetuate the notion that the British are all Lords.
It is acceptable to begin any conversation with the words "so, anyway".
SWEARING
There is a 1:1 exchange rate on 'fuck' and 'fucking'. They have the thrilling second person 'fuck' (as in "what's the matter with you, you fat fuck?"). There is, of course, the ever popular 'motherfucker' which sounds great either way, but the drawn-out, disappointed "muuu-ther-FUCK-er" is better left to the American.
People are more likely to be 'pricks' than 'cocks'. I haven't heard an American 'cockend' so far. There is no 'wanker' - simply use 'jerk' or 'shithead' instead. Stick with 'arse' and 'arsehole' instead of 'ass' and 'asshole' because it sounds cute, except when you are commenting on a woman's ass, which is most definitely an 'ass'. They don't really have 'piss', they prefer to 'pee' or 'whizz'. They certainly don't have 'slash'es.
You can be 'pissed' or 'pissed off' if you're angry, but if you're drunk you're 'loaded' or 'wasted', not 'wankered off your tits'. (Although 'tits' is fine).
'Crap' seems to be a little milder in the US, as it has drifted from its association with shitting that is such an integral component to its use at home.
CUNT
You don't hear many 'cunt's in America. That seems to be reserved for special occasions, like a dress uniform. Most people's top swear is 'motherfucker', or perhaps 'cocksucker', or both. They do rhyme, after all.
Americans rarely get their 'cunt's out, and, despite its top-swear British status, we still say it a lot more than them. Well, I do, mostly for shock value, which is currently redeemable at $0.000077 per usage.
The Jersey/Italian pronunciation of 'cunt', 'khont' is the one you hear most, thanks to The Sopranos I guess. We have so much to thank them for. Another notable "cunt" was delivered by the actress Scarlett Johannson in the film [movie] 'Ghost World', which was the point at which I fell in love with her.
I hope this has been of some assistance.
I remain your faithful savant,
Ben Hales (Guitar)
