Commandments 31-40
There is not much room in the aisles so you should put your shoes in the little cupboard they have under the seats. It's common courtesy.
The only drawback is the smell that emanates from the shoe cupboard, and one time when I was reaching in I accidentally put my hand inside Cary's sheepskin moccasins that he likes to wear without socks. It was like delving into a rhino's ear.
42. "PULL MY FINGER" AND RUN LIKE HELL (SEE 60)
43. IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE BAND NEVER EXPRESS AN OPINION ABOUT THE PERFORMANCE
This is especially for people who have to work with the band, and therefore live with them for the rest of the tour (although it is useful to point it out to passing record company folk). As with parents, partners and pets it's perfectly OK for you to trash the band if it's yours, but as soon as someone else ventures an opinion, everything suddenly gets very chilly.
As with testicles, egos are sensitive things, easily bruised, and any injury is not soon forgotten. So if you want to live a happy life on your bus with your musical collegues, never ever come backstage going "what's wrong with you, you were awful?". You should also restrict yourself to making soothing noises while the band complains bitterly about the monitors. This is their way of acknowledging that they played like shit.
Bands, for their part, will never ask your opinion either, for fear that you might give it.
44. IT'S 'DUCT TAPE', APPARENTLY
45. YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB LOTION INTO ANYONE'S TATTOO, EVEN IF THEY HAVE BOUGHT A TICKET
This actually happened to Jason Kanakis. I try to avoid any kind of contact with the audience for this reason.
Never mind, eh? We're leaving town tonight.
47. EVERYTHING THAT DID GO WRONG, COULD GO WRONG
If you've ever wondered how to make an omelette without breaking eggs, go to Waffle House.
Denny's, on the other hand, is the finest exponent the joyous American art of Gratification. If you want it, by god you shall have it, in huge quantities at a low price with free refills. The British equivalent is Little Chef [Little Shit], which probably tells you all you need to know about the differences between our nations.
("Two nations separated by enormous girths" - George Bernard Shaw)
49. CARY BROTHERS IS *INTENTIONALLY DELETED*
50. YOU ARE AT THE MERCY OF YOUR BASEST URGES
No one is allowed to tell you to stop, apart from:
